ON MARRYING WELL

 My grandson’s recent wedding reminded me of the importance of marrying well, a subject I am afraid does not receive much coverage. Let’s examine first some barriers to a superb marriage.

The identification of the first barrier to a superb marriage I owe to social and literary commentator William Deresiewicz from his book A Jane Austen Education in which he examines six of Austen’s novels highlighting lessons in love, friendship, and the “things that really matter.” My wife’s favorite Jane Austen novel is Pride and Prejudice and in particular the 1995 BBC production which dramatizes the storied romance between Elizabeth Bennet and Mister Darcy, which she watches several times a year.

Deresiewicz criticizes one of the characters form Pride and Prejudice on the subject of marriage. It was not the libertine George Wickham who married one of Elizabeth’s younger sisters nor the social pandering William Collins who sought to marry Elizabeth before settling on her best friend who earned Deresiewicz’s ire. Rather, it was Mister Bennet, Elizabeth’s father, who was heavily criticized. Why? Because he purposely married ‘beneath himself” and thus lacked respect for Mrs. Bennet.

Mrs. Bennet was an anxious and insecure woman who loudly shared her daily frustrations to whomever who was within earshot. Mr. Bennet, in contrast, remained calm, cool, and collected in the midst of his wife’s routine outbursts. And he used these occasions to talk down to her as if her concerns were not worth his time. The bottom line to Deresiewicz’s criticisms is that our fictional Mr. Bennet did not marry well because he married a woman he could easily ridicule.

The second barrier also derives from fictional literature. In Herman Wouk’s The Winds of War and War and Remembrance, the reader is introduced to Victor and Rhoda Henry, and their troubled marriage which was a submerged theme in both novels. Victor was a serious-minded naval officer and Rhoda a dissatfied, bored, and often frivolous wife. While Victor rose to increased responsibilities due to World War II, Rhoda became a functional alcoholic and engaged in several affairs during her husband’s often absences. They finally divorced towards the end of the war.

Despite Rhoda’s numerous character defects, I hold Victor as the primary antagonist in their marriage. I believe Rhoda was as dissatisfied and bored with her life, and often engaged in frivolous pursuits when she and Victor first met as she was three decades later. Victor lacked the self-awareness that he could not be the best husband for Rhoda throughout the remainder of their lives. Rhoda lacked the capacity for personal growth without much encouragement and lavished attention that Victor could not bestow upon her due to his naval responsibilities. In addition, Victor indulged Rhoda’s weaknesses. In other words, he did not marry well because he married a woman who could not be his lifelong partner.

Putting aside some barriers to marrying well, we will now examine some positives to look for in our spouses. The first characteristic is physical attraction. Men and women contemplating marriage should have a chemistry between them and that chemistry should include sexual attraction. Yes, marital sex should be good for both partners or at least tolerable, for one of them.  But beware- the flowers fade and the grass withers so to speak and age catches up with all of us. While sexual activity diminishes for a variety of reasons, a sexual spark can continue between two partners who married well regardless of age or circumstance.

The next characteristic is to marry someone of the opposite gender who possesses a strong personality. In other words, a spouse should be confident and skilled enough not to be absorbed into the otter’s personality. A goal of mature marriage is mutual interdependence, not independence or dependence. A corollary characteristic to a strong personality is to marry someone who has a complimentary temperament. For example, my wife and I are both introverts, but we differ elsewhere in our temperaments, I am a stoic in outlook while my wife is more open with her emotions. And, while my wife is detail-oriented I possess more of a big-picture orientation.  Granted, our differences have opened us up to interesting conversations. Nevertheless, our love and respect for each other has enabled us to overcome these differences to reach our common goals.

I have saved the characteristic of love for the last to discuss. Marital love can be vastly misunderstood by many who think of love as primarily romantic and is built on feelings. This error leads too many adults to abandon their marriages when their relationships with their spouses did a rough spot and they claim they had “fallen out of love” with their current spouse and are now in love with a new potential partner. This condition, paradoxically, may be true to some extent. Our global population is so large there are perhaps dozens of others with whom we may be compatible in marriage. Yet, marriage from a Christian perspective is a covenant and not merely a legal arrangement. As such Saint Paul explains covenatal love in the thirteenth chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians as found in the Christian New Testament\-

           Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

           (Love) does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered.

           (Love) keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth.

           (Love) always protects. Always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

Therefore, love is primarily a way of thinking and doing with each spouse self-sacrificially looking out for the needs of the other and doing their best to fulfill those needs through sickness and health, through poverty and wealth, through good times and bad,

When respect, partnership, physical attraction, strong personalities, compatible temperaments, and self-sacrificing covenantal love are combined and mixed well trust ensues. Trust is the social glue which holds relationships, especially marriages, together. Trust permits spouses who married well to develop their own hobbies and interests, have their own friends, and create their own personal private spaces. Without such trust, jealousy ensues and string marriages crumble as life-long commitments are broken.

In closing, adults who marry well are a blessing to themselves and others and are a foundation to a vibrant civil society. Marrying well contributes to our own health and well-being while also raising the possibilities that our children will grow up to be healthy functional adults who can also marry well.